Yesterday was the handover at OCF. I was really amazed by Noelle and Shi Ning and how they decided to wash the feet of their new committee as a symbol of leadership in humility. And as they went on to share about how they came to decide to pick up the responsibility at their feet, after the tiresome process of praying, thinking and everything-ing, I was really touched by their sharing and was amazed by God's work in their lives. (:

yet at the same time, my mind was thrown into a humongous whirlwind. almost everything that each of them talked about tugged at my heartstrings and made me think about every single thing i've done in my life. How i've ran away from responsibilities, How i've disappointed God, How i never seem to change, How i lose my patience quickly, How i am very quick to judge, How How How How How. and then i just got sick of myself. first time hearing me say im sick of myself? it's actually the first time i've admitted to anyone lah, but i get quite sick of myself a lot. and then it was just a longtime of thinking. ok, im not the type to think too much, but yesterday, i didn't want to think!! but thoughts just kept popping into my head and i got completely frustrated with myself. it was just BAHHH!!!. argh. and it drained me and i was just tired. and frustrated. and helpless.

i was in that mode that i die-die-must-figure-a-way-out-and-get-it-sorted-NOW. after talking a bit about this, i was left to think about whether or not im ready to do something about this or just keep whining about it the rest of my life. and wallow in self reproach.. and self-pity. So before i slept, as i was about to pray before sleeping, i realised i didn't know what to say. my mind was so messed up that I didn't know where to start. helpless at this point, probably the LOWEST i've ever felt in my life (for now), that was when i surrendered.

the instant i said 'please take over' (which really was a challenge to me cos of various reasons related to personality) the burden was lifted. and i finally was able to grasp the essence of 'peace that transcends all understanding'. i always heard that phrase, but never actually experienced it, till yesterday. and it is indescribable, call me crazy but it was amazing and somehow it was just those three words that set me free. to finally admit that i am rubbish, and i can't do it. to recognise the sovereignty of God. which is essentially what boss tells us time and again to do, and everytime he talks about it, i will think in my head, yes, yes, yes. i recognise the sovereignty i recognise the sovereignty. but last night i realised, i thought i recognised it, but i never really understood what it meant to recognise it. i know there are probably many aspects in life that i have yet to surrender, but i am certain, slowly that surely it will eventually all be His. to God be the glory.

perhaps im a little insensitive in this post, and i may offend some people (?) and others may laugh and say wen Ling is all holy-moley suddenly(?). but this time i am making my stand. to stand for what i believe in and step out of my comfort zone. i have THE courage. :) funnily enough, it's not my courage (cos as always, i have been a pushover, i am timid, compromising and whatever) but ultimately, it's not who i am, but who He is. and He IS omnipotent. think about it. :)


thanks jibaobao :)
you're probably secretly an angel.